Yesterday and today as well have been two of the most difficult days in my life up to this point I believe. Yesterday started off like any other day, but little did I know that by the time I laid my head down finally late that night that my life would feel as it was pulled out of me and the floor pulled out from under me. I had not talked to who I cared for in nearly a week yesterday other than for one or two text messages and then they would be quick to get off of the discussion and not text back anymore, since they wouldn't really talk I sent them a message, and the reply I got was not what I was hoping for at all, my worst dreams had come true, they didn't want to really talk anymore, said that friendship would be fine, but nothing ever would arise out of us other than that, I felt like I had just been stabbed in the heart when I read the text. I literally started crying my eyes out, wondering what did I do, was there something I could have perhaps done to make the situation that is now at hand never come to the point of being existent.
I practically cried myself to sleep last night along with some drinks to go with the tears ad hopefully forget what had happened, but then when I woke up this morning the hurt is still there, everyone is telling me that it will be fine, that's not what I want to hear though myself, I don't see the point in even living anymore hardly at all, I mean what do I have to live for, I have no loved one in my life, I have friends who are great but what about that special someone that you can just sit around with and be happy doing nothing at all other than holding them or spending time with them. That is what I am longing for and so dearly miss, I swear I have went into a state of depression recently, I rarely eat, hell I have had four cookies all day today for that fact and I am not even hungry, I have lost nearly 20 pounds over the past month or so and dropped two inches in my waist and I am not near as out-going and bubbly as normal. I don't even have the drive to get out of bed in the morning to do anything at all, I don't want to do anything then just lie here in bed or on the couch. I don't know how many of you have ever felt like this in your life but I can be the one to tell you that you never want this to happen to yourself in your lifetime here.
After I finally got up off the the couch this morning and got a shower I then got called into work and nearly worked twelve hours and we were busy as hell, people can be so short an rude sometimes, and with the past day I have had that does not help. I tried to keep myself busy thinking about other things, but it seemed to never work. I could try and be all bubbly and nice to everyone that come in through the doors but it never seem to work and come out right. A few of my co-workers who know what all is going on came to me numerous times today asking if I wanted to talk or did I need a break or want to go home, when people notice something is wrong with me it makes it even worse, they ask whats wrong with me and I can not help but think about everything then, but I just reply nothing, its ok, I will be fine until I get off, when the fact is that I am suffocating on the inside, I feel like I am dieing and there is nothing I can do to stop it at all. Perhaps of I had a break and got out of here for a while and took a nice vacation it would help, but that will come soon enough hopefully or something will change one, I will just have to see. Well I am going to close this on a positive note, or at least try to, I hope you all have a Happy New Year's and be careful, remember the ones that you care for and be sure they know the way you feel, you never know what tomorrow will hold so don't take them for granted.
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